Recently I have been struggling to come to terms with the
death of a dear friend. She was such a lovely person, so generous and full of
life. It seems so unfair that she has died and we will never see each other
again. I was very shocked to hear about her death, then very angry about it and
finally just so very sad.
Some days after hearing the news I walked in the countryside
with my husband, I wept and I ranted. My husband was brilliant; he listened,
commiserated and comforted me as much as he could.
This loss took hold of me and I guess with my history of
loss I got lost for a while in a real place of sadness.
I took refuge on the sofa with books, watched films, drank
Scottish tea and ate cake. And I ranted some more and I cried.
As a young child I was deeply confused about why I had to
live without my parents. They died when I was very young. It didn’t make sense
at all!~ I was their child and now they were gone. I developed a subconscious belief that life was cruel and a
horrible place to be.
I have been reading The
Artist’s Way of Seeing by Roberta Weir and it helped me in some way regain
confidence in the world, as well as my own self-care and soothing techniques
learned in years of therapy, writing exercises, walks and baking.
‘In the midst of pain and turmoil I look up at the blue sky,
the first plum blossoms: a voice inside me says, Oh! I am happy! There it is,
the welling joy of merely being alive another day. Is this life an inspiration
or a cruel joke?
‘We can’t let ourselves become fearful and disillusioned
when we see the shape of destruction, misfortune and indifference that surrounds
and infuses our life. This is the price we have paid to purchase the experience
of life’.
The other quote I would like to finish on is ‘In life and
in art, seeing the darkness brings out the light’.
So although I struggle to come to terms with this untimely death,
I cherish the memories of a fun and beautiful friendship.
